Go to http://www.rugrets.co.uk for my new cartoon venture...

You remember how I told you flying was useful, well it is, mostly. Unfortunately we superheroes are not really allowed to let you guys see us fly, and if we do we are supposed to do it in disguise - hence all the capes, tights, masks and external underwear.

Sunday night I was trying to get from London to Leeds by train. I arrived at Kings Cross only to find that all the trains were cancelled because a Fleem Ray from a Xorgam battle cruiser had destroyed most of Welwyn Garden City. Of course the train people were trying to pass it off as a power line problem, but I knew better.

Anyway - there I was stuck in the station with about 30 kilos of computer equipment and I thought "Hang on - I could get into my lycra catsuit and fly up". Unfortunately there is nowhere to change in Kings Cross Station - the toilets cost 20p and I didn't have any change, and phone booths are a thing of the past. I ended up shoehorned onto the delayed 20.00 to Doncaster. Tsh!

Those of you who have been paying attention will remember that I recently spent some time in the future. I have only been allowed to return to the present time after agreeing to certain conditions: I must not mess with the present, I will not tell anybody about future events and I must not buy up every available share in "The Lifelike Sex Doll Company" who may or may not be about to announce a breakthrough in Sex Doll technology.

My lips are sealed.

(theirs on the other hand are bloody amazing!)

Anyhow, the Time Guardians were very kind and did OK a few uncontentious observations I wanted to make here, so here are a few notes from the year 2108:

1. Still no flying cars.

2. The Muties from the Rad Lands are a lot nicer than the movies would have you believe.

3. Three stone underweight or ten stone overweight is the norm. There is nothing in between.

4. Everyone is a Muslim at least one day a week.

5. Food replicators can make anything except for noodles, replicated noodles are horrible!

Now I am not one to complain, especially in restaurants, because you hear about the things restaurant staff do to people who complain, and I never did develop a taste for semen.

Anyway, the other day I really did have to complain. There was this hair in my Balti, which was pretty gross, and it was really curly too.

I resolved to be terribly English about the whole thing and not mention it, but when I tried to pick it out it appeared to be attached to something. I pulled harder and out came a cock, a whole severed dong!

Well I had to object to that.

They were very good about it, they replaced my meal free of charge, and even gave me a free beer, so it all turned out well.

I had my leg bitten off last week, by a shark. Was I surfing off the coast of South Africa? Scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef? Shipwrecked in the Indian Ocean? No, I was swimming in my local public swimming pool, doing laps if you must know, when a shark bit off my leg. The girl at reception was less than sympathetic; apparently Timmy has been living in the pool for years and has never bitten anyone before. That's his name - “Timmy the Tiger Shark”, "Timmy the Git" if you ask me.
"You must have provoked him" she told me as I tightened my tourniquet a few turns, "He's very good with children".
I went to the police to see if they could help, but apparently Timmy is a protected species, so there's nothing they can do.

I went out for a drink today with my mate Shitty McDingo. It got to be his round and he pulled out his wallet and I caught sight of his driving licence - he actually IS called Shitty, apparently it suited him when he was a baby. Australians eh?

You know what, superpowers are a right pain in the arse. Not all of them obviously. Flying is bloody brilliant, Xray vision as every bit as fun as you thought it would be in school, and being faster than a speeding bullet has come in handy a couple of times too.
Some of the other powers are not so great though, lazer-beams-from-the-eyes for instance, that one is a comlete pain, it's hard not to stare sometimes and most girls take a dim view of having their buttocks singed every time they walk by. Some are completely useless too, apparently I can control flat fish, any kind of flat fish, they obey my every whim, which is really fucking handy when I live 60 miles inland I can tell you. And then there's the ability to digest and metabolize rocks, whoop-de-doo, they still taste like rocks.

And what about the powers you don't even know you have - right now I am writing this post from 100 years in the future, having accidentally torn a hole in spacetime by farting loudly while sneezing. Apparently that activates my "create a rend in the spacetime continuum" power, I will have to remember that one, never know when it could come in handy. I am scared to burp now, just in case I destroy the bloody universe. Tsh.