Yesterday I went to buy a Valentines card. Yes, yes I know, romantic fool that I am, three dozen red roses and a samba band are booked for this evening. Sadly I ended up getting a Hallmark card, kinda by accident, and consequently ended up with about 20 lines of crass cloying doggerel inside. More of this later..

Anyway, I was in the queue at the shop and looked up and down at all the faces and had to start laughing. Everywhere I looked there were miserable and worried looking men buying vile pink nonsense. February the 14th is National get-in-trouble-with-your-missus day and we are all trying to buy a trouble-exemption pass. How did it come to this? The cult of Valentines was invented by the card manufacturers, we all know that, and because no one can be seen to be "unromantic" we are all forced to go along with it.

Anyway, if card manufacturers can manipulate the guilt and tension in peoples' relationships to this extent I think it is quite time we had "Suck your husband's cock day”. I await Hallmarks response with baited breath, maybe it will look something like this:

I know sometimes, my darling man
I’m cross and tired and off
So on this very special day
Fill my gob with spoff!

I was at prayer yesterday down at the local Mosque, doing the usual prayer stuff (you infidel dogs won't know what that entails but us faithful followers of Allen will know (peace be upon us).

Anyway - I had just finished up and was wiping myself clean when the Mullah turns up and complements me on how my beard is coming along. I thanked him and was just turning to leave when he grabs my arm and asks if he can have a private word. We went through a door, down a passage and into his office. There were a couple of Islamic "special interest" magazines on his desk "Head to toe" and "Downtrodden babes". I like "Head to Toe", some of the eyeslit shots are really HOT, but I always think "Downtrodden Babes" is a bit rubbish, those women are obviously just faking being downtrodden. Anyway - he swept the literature into his desk drawer, sat himself down and offered me a chair.

"So, how long have you been one of the faithful now?" he asked.

"Oh about three weeks" I said.

"And how is it going? You enjoying it?"

"It's OK, I only converted for a bet, but then found out I couldn't leave otherwise you would kill me for apostasy, so I am a bit stuck now.... erm... Peace be upon it.."

"Ha ha ha, yes yes" He laughed good naturedly, "we certainly would, that is the penalty. Fun isn't it"

"Oh yes - it adds a real frisson of terror to my spiritual life" I agreed.

"Anyway - three weeks eh, three weeks... Have you ever considered suicide bombing?" he said, suddenly serious.

"Um, well I hadn't really..."

"Oh come come, you must have given it SOME thought, all those virgins. Or is your faith wavering..." He gave me a long appraising stare.

"Wavering?" I said, my voice a little higher than it should have been.

"Yes, if you are truly one of the faithful you should surely be giving some serious thought to blowing yourself up outside a primary school or somesuch. It's all in the book you know."

"Oh, ha ha , yes obviously, yes I have been giving it some thought obviously, it's just that I have got a lot on the next few weeks that requires me to be in one piece and breathing"

"That sounds a bit like wish-washy apostate talk to me!"

"Oooh no no no!" I said, "I am as faithful as the next man, it's just a big step, that's all. Couldn't I start small, you know, just blow up my foot in a spud-u-like and work up from there?"

Anyway, long story short, I have an appointment on Tuesday to have a semtex jacket fitted. The ball bearings are on order and unless I think of something fast I will be off to paradise in two weeks time. To make matters worse I just read that Houris may actually translate as "White Raisins" and not virgins at all. I shall be majorly fucked off it I blow myself to pate, taking a couple of dozen unsuspecting infidel dogs with me, just to end up in a garden eating a handful of dried fruit. Holland and barrett is only 10 minutes walk from here, I can have raisins any fucking time.