I had my leg bitten off last week, by a shark. Was I surfing off the coast of South Africa? Scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef? Shipwrecked in the Indian Ocean? No, I was swimming in my local public swimming pool, doing laps if you must know, when a shark bit off my leg. The girl at reception was less than sympathetic; apparently Timmy has been living in the pool for years and has never bitten anyone before. That's his name - “Timmy the Tiger Shark”, "Timmy the Git" if you ask me.
"You must have provoked him" she told me as I tightened my tourniquet a few turns, "He's very good with children".
I went to the police to see if they could help, but apparently Timmy is a protected species, so there's nothing they can do.

I went out for a drink today with my mate Shitty McDingo. It got to be his round and he pulled out his wallet and I caught sight of his driving licence - he actually IS called Shitty, apparently it suited him when he was a baby. Australians eh?

You know what, superpowers are a right pain in the arse. Not all of them obviously. Flying is bloody brilliant, Xray vision as every bit as fun as you thought it would be in school, and being faster than a speeding bullet has come in handy a couple of times too.
Some of the other powers are not so great though, lazer-beams-from-the-eyes for instance, that one is a comlete pain, it's hard not to stare sometimes and most girls take a dim view of having their buttocks singed every time they walk by. Some are completely useless too, apparently I can control flat fish, any kind of flat fish, they obey my every whim, which is really fucking handy when I live 60 miles inland I can tell you. And then there's the ability to digest and metabolize rocks, whoop-de-doo, they still taste like rocks.

And what about the powers you don't even know you have - right now I am writing this post from 100 years in the future, having accidentally torn a hole in spacetime by farting loudly while sneezing. Apparently that activates my "create a rend in the spacetime continuum" power, I will have to remember that one, never know when it could come in handy. I am scared to burp now, just in case I destroy the bloody universe. Tsh.